My treasure.....

Click here to hear dad

I miss you dad....everyday.

2 long months

Hey dad,

Sorry I havent written in a while.  I want to hear you respond to me.  I am having a lot of trouble there.  Chris got me the best birthday gift ever.  He found the tape of our wedding and put it on the computer so I can hear it all the time.  If I can figure it out I will put it up here to share with the world. 

I try and talk to you in my head and it just isnt the same.  I think the typing it out is more therapudic to me.  I have been having a lot of conflict about you leaving the past bit.  We turned in your truck and that made everything seem so final.  That was the last bit of your business I had to deal with.  It was so hard.  I am also having trouble with the fact that Chris' parents are coming home.  I wouldnt say I resent him or his parents but I am definitely jealous.

We have been seeing a really great counselor together and she has tried to get me to understand a lot of things that my brain knows but my heart has a hard time accepting.  I have even said a lot of these things out loud to a friend of mine who recently lost her mom.  I can say them and I can know them in my own mind but I sure dont believe them.  I hope my friend is doing ok.  I know I think I am crazy for the way I feel sometimes. 

I have been plugging along at work and starting to get back to normal.  It helps that it is now spring and all the spring flowers are out.  Guess what dad????  Jim has only 0.50 credits before he graduates!  I know he has probably told you this already.  I have been trying to make sure I keep in contact with all my brothers.  Its kinda hard because we all have such different schedules, but we make it work.

I miss you so much.  I want to hear your response to me tending to orchids and finally having some interest in gardening.  I want to tell you about how we are thinking about moving.  I have told you most of this stuff but it is your witty responses I keep waiting for. 

Thanks for being my dad and teaching me what kind of person to be.  I miss you.

Just hey.

Hey pops.

Last night Chris and I went to dinner with Jeremiah and Skye....we went to that Mexican place on 33rd that you liked to go sometimes with us.  I kept telling Chris on the way there that I kept hoping you would be there because I wanted to show you my new tattoo.  Yep, me the un-tattooed one of the family finally took the plunge.  It was on a whim and I don't regret it in the least. 

I think Jim had his moment that I had last week and I am really sad for him yet happy at the same time.  After I had my breakdown and hit the bottom, I couldn't go anywhere but up and I have.  I still feel bad that Jim had to go through the same thing I did because I sure can understand how hard it was.  I miss you a lot and I am doing a lot better.  I am readying myself to go back to work and working toward normal.  Well, I better go get something done today....I haven't been very productive.

Ang

23 days later......

Dad,

We need to talk.  I finally finally understood last night that you are really REALLY gone and you are never EVER coming back.  Why did it take me 23 days to realize this?  I consider myself a pretty smart person.  Oh that's right, my brain disconnected itself from my heart and those two really don't talk much anymore.  I cried the ugliest, sobbiest, most physical cry last night for 45 mins.  Its hard for me that it took me so long to understand.....but in that moment I also came to understand that I know and am processing what is going on and I now need a plan to move on and up.  You wouldn't want me sitting here in my sad sack state with my cat and my blanket.  I am going to keep going.  I am going to be OK......even though right now I don't believe it.  Through the help of Erin and Chris I am going to get some normalcy back in my life.....get a routine going.  Dad, you can interrupt at anytime, I have some leeway.  You want me getting on with my life and you want what is the best for all of us.  I can do this.  I can do this.  Its going to be hard....but I CAN do this. I miss you more and more each day, but no more sad sackin' this.

I love you Dad.

Ang

Night time is bad

Hey Dad,

I thought I was doing good for a couple of days, but when the evening part of the day rolls around, I seem to find things to think about that make me upset.  I am having trouble with some things that go unanswered when a loved one passes.  I am really tired of being this useless lump of goo who cant get her butt out of her cone of silence to do the dishes or wash a pair of pants so he can go to work.  Today I did make dinner and do the dishes.  Maybe there is hope for me yet.

I did go out to lunch with Mickel today.  He has been a big help in reassuring me that its OK to be this sad.  I had the shakes the whole time though.  Not really sure why.  I am back in therapy tomorrow so maybe I can talk some of this out with Julie. 

I think I am struggling so hard right now because you were the person to talk sense into me, you knew what I was thinking and could give advice on how to handle the situation.  Now that you aren't here I am really really lost.

I miss you so terribly and keep wishing my heart would stop asking my brain if you are coming back.   Those two organs really don't understand each other and frankly I don't understand them either.

Ang

The difference between my heart and my brain

Dad,

I know I have told you that I am having trouble realizing that you are never coming back.  I was told by my doctor the other day that, "You are 31 years old. Your brain knows he is gone and you cant keep up the facade about him being on vacation."  When do my heart and brain start to talk to each other?  I am hoping that comes soon cause my heart keeps telling me "Oh, he is probably busy and I will call him in a few days." 

My friend Mickel finally told me why I am uncomfortable with my friends right now.  He said that I am probably upset at the fact that my whole world stopped when you passed.  My friends on the other hand, their world is still spinning and stressing and laughing and eating.  He also told me that for a while he only found comfort in being with people that knew his grandpa so they could talk about the great memories they have of him.  I think this might be true for me as well.  Most of my friends have never met you and here I am, world at a screeching halt, and they want to have fun still.  I forgot what fun, laughter, and friends are all about.  I am in a rut and I am hoping it will be fixed soon.

I miss you so much it hurts. 
Ang

On Vacation

Dad,

Is it lying to yourself and bad for your psyche if you just keep telling yourself someone is on vacation when they really are gone?  I think I have myself convinced you will come back someday....you are just on a really long, far away, vacation.  For some reason I cant convince myself otherwise.  Maybe that is just cause I keep hoping this is all a bad dream and you will just come back.

Today I have had a lot of emotions....most of which feel very empty.  I wonder if it is just the fact that I am running out of feelings to feel.  I think the best I can relate it to is Atrayu trying to fight the Nothing to save Fantasia. 

I think I just had myself a revelation.  I am going to go watch Neverending Story.

Night,
Ang

Lost

Hey dad,

Today I made it to the grocery store.....quite a venture for me since I havent wanted to leave my cone of silence.  I just about had a breakdown in the middle of the bread isle because I saw the kind of bread you used to buy.  It is really stupid little things that are setting me off the past few days.  Chris said I have to just get used to crying everyday for the time being, cause it is going to happen.

I have invited Jim to write you some notes.  I worry about him.  I hope this helps.  I know we both are struggling with the fact that you are really REALLY gone.  Somedays I think you are just on vacation or out of town for work.....and then reality hits me.  That image of you in the hospital.  Then I just have to open my eyes, pet a kitty and think of this.....

I feel better for a while.  I am not sure if this will ever seem real.  I know I will carry the lessons you taught me about tolerance and generosity and life in general with me always.  Its just hard to think you are really gone.

Ang

Explinations

Dad,

Today there was a party planned so we could hang out with friends and try and get happy again.  I didnt even last 3 hours.  I dont know how to explain my feelings to anyone and that is why I keep to myself right now and I know if you were here you would have some amazing way of explaining things so I can understand and then tell my friends.  I do have a friend who lost her dad about a year ago and she is easy to talk to.  She understands me and even makes me feel better about the feelings I have been having.  The rest of my friends know I am in pain but the level of hurt is nothing you can verbalize to people.  I am taking some time off work to work things out.  I am seeing a counselor and hoping she can help me express my feelings.  I know life has been and will go on, but I am not so sure I care to be in it right now.  The safety of my bedroom is all I know and maybe for a little longer it will stay that way.  I miss you and your way of explaining things to me so I understand why I am feeling this way.  The "This is normal" speech is just getting old.

Ang

Phone calls

Dad,

I know you always told me to live my life to the fullest and never regret anything.  Today I guess I am feeling lonely without you here.  Mostly sad because you aren't just a phone call away anymore.  I cant even tell you how many times I have picked up my cell phone to call and tell you something.  The first try was a good one.  Chris and I were up at Moran Eye Center looking more into his surgery.  I just happened to ask where they take donated corneas.  They told me right down to the second floor of the building we were in.  I wanted so bad to call you and tell you what good would be coming for people who needed your donated parts.  I wanted to call and tell you about how many people came to your memorial service and how many people just stayed.  Dad, that room was so full of love it overflowed into the hall and other rooms.  It was amazing.  I am just sad I dont have you here anymore to talk to.  You always were caring but stern with your words and that might be what I need to help me get out of my funk.  Dad, I dont even want to get my crafts out.  I am really struggling with the whys and the what I could have done crap.  I hope you are so very happy and healthy where ever you might be now.  I am sure my broken heart will be repaired and I will still keep all the wonderful memories of your laugh in my heart. 

I miss you,
Ang


PS Here is my favorite pic of you and Jim laughing.....

Dad....I'm angry

Dad,

I guess I am going through these stages of grief that everyone talks about.  Everyone is telling me that its normal to be pissed off.  Good thing its normal cause I am mad at you.  I am angry that you left without saying goodbye.  I am mad that you left all of your stuff for us to go through.  I am livid that I cant pick up the phone like husband can and just talk to you.  I am particularly pissed off that you left in general.  I wasn't ready for you to go.  I really wasn't ready for all those adult things I had to do like paying for a cremation and writing my own dad's obituary.  I am mad that I all I can do right now is cry.  Husband sure isn't getting the attention he needs and now I am mad at him.  He has a dad and I don't.  I am pissed.....and now I am crying.  I am upset that I have to see YOUR name on a death certificate.  I am angry that all I can see of you is pictures.  I miss your laugh.  I miss your advice.  I miss you.

Ang

The beginning is a very good place to start.

After I get the intial story out of the way....these are all letters to my dad.....crossing my fingers that he uses the highspeed internet in heaven.

On the very early morning of January 8th, 2012, my awesome dad passed away in his home unexpectedly.  We found out later on that it was a heart attack and there was nothing to be done.  It still didnt mean I didnt have all the emotions a person could come up with.  I was able to see his body, which lasted all of 20 seconds, until I ran to the nearest restroom and vomited and cried and vomited more, which was followed by much more crying.

Sunday was an odd day.  No one knew what to do with themselves.  I had a dear friend make my whole family lasagna, which helped more than she will ever know.  Monday I actually ventured into work, hoping to keep my mind of things for a while and just get some stuff done.  But no, I was greeted with the turning of the head ever so slightly followed by a whisper of, "How are you?"  "Are you doing ok?"  "What are you doing here?"  I swear it was like watching that pug video on youtube where they tilt their head side to side when their owner asks them a question.  I understand it is human nature and I have probably done it a great many time, but when it is being done to you, it just feels odd.

After working a part of the day Monday, we had one of those family meetings that everyone dreads.  The planning of the services....dun dun dun!  We were able to toss around some good ideas for the obituary and get other minor details ironed out.

Tuesday was spent at the mortuary paying for things I didnt think I would have to pay for for another 20 plus more years and writing obituaries I never dreamt of writing.We then proceeded over to his old apartment.  I broke down at the site of his shoes.  Of all things....his shoes.  My brother and I made it through some of the other stuff and were just beat down.  We called it a day after that.

Wednesday was a wash.  I dont even remember Wednesday.

Thursday was the day we said goodbye.  I can't even believe all the people that came out.  It was a wonderful out pouring of love.  There were so many stories and memories and tears.  Tears because dad isnt with us anymore.  My three brothers and a few other people and I went out after all was said and done.  We had two shots each of 1500 tequilla....for dad.  Now my letters begin.